It's not you, it's me.

Getting along in the cockpit is not simply a question of whether the instructor is good. It’s not unknown within the instructor community to have a student who is simply impossible to teach, or who refuses to learn. And it’s not unusual to hear a student complain about an instructor’s behavior or instructional approach. Sometimes, the relationship just doesn’t click. Regardless of who is causing the friction, you don’t need to settle for a bad student-instructor relationship. It is important for the student to recognize what’s causing conflict, take steps to address it, and know when it is time to look elsewhere and why.

From the instructor’s point of view. Instructors are human. They can’t help but group students into those with whom they like to fly and those who aren’t as enjoyable—and it’s not always the personality to which they are reacting. For instance, it’s frustrating to instructors when a student boards an airplane and hasn’t given the airplane, or the learning process, a single thought since the last flight. When a student is grossly unprepared, a lot of time—both the student’s and the instructor’s—is wasted. Yes, the instructor is getting paid for his or her time, but the student has to do his or her part, too. That includes doing some homework.

Instructors like students who really get into the subject and take the whole endeavor seriously. For instance, students who show up with lots of questions demonstrate that they really do want to learn. Instructors don’t love it when a student stays on a cellphone until he gets in the airplane, or it comes out of his pocket the second his feet hit the ground. That’s why some CFIs tell students to turn off their phones as soon as they get to the airport.

Another bad student habit is showing up late—or not showing up at all and failing to let the instructor know in advance. CFIs can’t afford unexpected white space in their days. Both parties have to be considerate of each other.

Yes, it’s common for an instructor to come back from a hop a little late, making the next student wait. That, unfortunately, is a part of flying. Keeping an exact schedule in an airplane can be very difficult, but instructors try to stick as close to the schedule as possible. It benefits them, too.

Learning to fly demands the student’s complete attention.

View from the left seat. People often are incapable of actually seeing ourselves as other people see us. So, while an instructor may think he has a good relationship with the student and is doing a good job, the student may see it differently—and may have a laundry list of reasons. Unfortunately, the instructor almost never knows those reasons exist until they’re pointed out.

Students react in different ways to some of the more pronounced characteristics of instructors. For instance, a few instructors are known to yell. Some students don’t mind that, while others take it very personally. Worse yet, without realizing it, some instructors use a condescending tone of voice toward the student. It can make students want to scream, “Hey! I know I’m new, but I’m not stupid!”

In some cases, students find they are sharing a confined space with someone who has a casual attitude toward personal hygiene. Instructors owe it to their student and to themselves to be as professional as possible, and that includes maintaining a professional appearance. That doesn’t mean starched white shirts and epaulets, but it does mean a daily shower, clean clothing, and a keen awareness that they’re breathing on a fellow human being in a tight environment. Breath mints should be part of their flight kit (that goes for students, too).

And when it comes to keeping a schedule, a flight instructor who shows any kind of indication that the student’s time isn’t as valuable as his own is doing both of them a disservice. Not being able to get back from a hop right on the dot is one thing. But driving into the parking lot 15 minutes late is inexcusable.

An instructor using the wrong teaching approach. While “standardized instruction” is all the rage, there is no such thing as a “standardized student.” The one-size-fits-all instructional approach doesn’t work. That’s the challenge of each new student: It will take the instructor some hours on the ground and in the air to figure out how best to approach him or her. Some students actually know how they learn best (visually, through demonstration, et cetera), but most don’t until it becomes obvious they aren’t learning what they should.

Instructors who try to explain concepts amid the noise and distraction of the cockpit aren’t doing anyone any favors. Students need to have the concepts and the goals of each flight explained during the prelesson briefing. Some want those concepts sketched out on paper or white board, while others are satisfied with verbal explanations.

No two students learn the same way, and no students react to the cockpit and the concept of flight the same. It’s up to the instructor to try to get inside every student’s head. If the instructor is just doing a perfunctory, rote dissertation, the student won’t learn as well as he or she should. The learning will be superficial, at best.

Sometimes the chemistry is just wrong. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to work. The instructor may be the best on the planet and the student may be working his tail off, but the personal chemistry is wrong. There is no explanation for the perceived conflict. It just is. In most of those situations, both inhabitants of the cockpit sense it, but try as they may, they can’t make it work. Going their separate ways is the only solution.

When it doesn’t work. So, how do you handle a breakup? First, try to correct the situation. If something isn’t right, tell the instructor. Few instructors don’t want to get better, and few would be insulted if a student said, “You know, I’m having a problem with understanding what you’re saying. Could you sketch it out for me?”

Or maybe the student gets more pointed: “I know you don’t mean it, but, I would really appreciate it if you’d stop talking down to me.”

How about, “You’re scaring me with the stalls. Can we just creep up on them? The sudden attitude changes make me nervous.”

Or, “I’m not sure what you mean, when you say ‘Drop the nose, you’re getting slow.’ I’m not understanding something here.”

The instructor can’t see inside your head, so he can’t fix what he doesn’t know exists. It’s up to the student to point out a discontinuity or mismatch. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to take a walk.

In a flight school environment, it’s simple: Just ask the boss for a new instructor and apologize to the one you’re leaving. Use the “It’s not you, it’s me” separation line.

If it’s a local independent instructor, do some searching for a replacement before dropping that one. If, however, an instructor is causing you to feel resentment or apprehension, immediately remove yourself from that environment. Someone’s lack of skill or understanding shouldn’t color your feelings about learning to fly.

Listen to your own thoughts and if they are saying you should bail, do it. You know when something isn’t right, and learning to fly is too important to do it wrong.